Balance, it’s a Challenge

This year, I have been focused on my health and wellness, it is a huge part of this era of my life. Along with this, I have been lucky enough to take part in the year-long IIN Health Coach Training Program to become a certified Integrative Health Coach. Before the program, I had all these ideas of how the experience would go.

I vowed to myself that this program would look different than college did, where I just memorized to regurgitate for exams and then forgot it all when the new material came along. I believed that this time, I would integrate all that I was learning into my own life so that I could do the same with clients. And while this thinking wasn’t in the wrong place, it didn’t end up playing out this way.

Looking back, I keep wondering why? Why didn’t I follow through in the ways I thought I would? Why did I instead focus on learning the material, and not putting it into practice? Why does it feel like I wasted all of this time when I could’ve been building my coaching business and pushing my life in the direction it should’ve been going?

I want to be the first person to say that this would’ve, should’ve, could’ve mentality is a dangerous one. It’s a slippery slope that can convince us that we are behind, or that we’ve disappointed ourselves, or that we aren’t in the place we could be “if only”. Does that mean I don’t do this sometimes? Of course I do. From what I understand about human beings, we all do this some way or another. I just tend to be really really hard on myself and this negative self talk can sometimes become all consuming.

While I had every intention to blog twice a week, post on social media twice a week, and have a fully functioning health coaching business by the end of this year, this isn’t what happened. And it’s not because I’m lazy, or a disappointment, or didn’t want to do this whole heartedly. The truth is, finding balance in your life can be really difficult. Maybe you’re working full-time, or have children, or have a spouse and other related responsibilities. Maybe you’re on a healing journey that is tiring and takes a lot of your willpower. Maybe this year is your travel year, or your relaxation year, or your year to slow down. And all of this is not only okay, it’s truly how life is meant to be. We go through seasons and eras of our lives, where different things are prioritized and other things fall to the wayside. Just because you think this thing, or that one, should be at the top of your list doesn’t necessarily mean that is the best choice. I do believe that what is meant to be will be, so what is right for you will always find you. And in this scenario, I am choosing to believe that in an effort to balance it all (started a new full time job, house full of family, my year of travel, relationships I care about, being on my healing journey, learning a ton) that I did the very best I could. That the things I chose were the right things for me, and that anything else will come when it is time.

I feel emotionally ready to take steps in my business, towards becoming a health coach. I know that it will be incredible in so many ways, and I am so excited to help other people. However, in order to do this, I need to rebalance the things in my life to make space and time for it. It will require hours per week of content creation, health history sessions, business development, and continuing to work on my own health and wellness. So something(s) will need to take a backseat, and I think part of life is being honest about the challenge of this process.

There isn’t a book to life, an all-knowing guide of answers on how a happy or successful existence looks. The only person who is “all-knowing” is you. You are the only one who knows what is right for you. You are the only one who can decide what to prioritize and what to let go of. You are the only one who can turn inward and know what is missing, or what feels like the next best step. I’ve learned this in the health coaching program, and it is true not only in health, but in the rest of life.

I used to turn to my friends to tell me who I was. I used to turn to my family to tell me what I should do. I used to genuinely believe that the answers were outside of myself and that the only way to get them was to lean on others and not trust myself. I’ve learned that this is the opposite of the truth, that the answers lie within. That the only person who can tell you who you are or what you should do or what is right for you, is you. The only person who can look at all of the options and find the balance is you. We spend so much of our time running from silence, running from solitude. Running from the thoughts that play non-stop in our heads. It’s time to release that, it’s time to let go.

What would happen if we chose to look at the responsibilities and let go of the need to have it all right? What would happen if we gave ourselves grace and decided that it didn’t all have to happen right now? What would happen if we stopped listening to the outside voices when it comes to our own journey and have trust that we will find our way?

What I have found is that while I still have these regretful or disappointing thoughts in myself, that the state I can keep going back to is peace. When I catch myself being hard on myself, wondering why I didn’t make the post on social media or didn’t talk out what I learned in this module with someone, I remember to slow down, and that what is meant for me will find me. When I am ready to produce content, when I am ready to talk it out, when I am ready to book that first client, it will happen. I will be ready and energized to put in that work and it will happen for me. It’s okay if in this moment I’m not ready. It’s okay that I thought I would be and I’m not. It’s okay if I choose to instead relax or watch that show with my partner or go for a walk on the beach. That’s the balance that my soul needs right now, and to bash myself for it would be a disservice to myself and my own journey.

The truth is, we cannot change when we feel crappy. The road to healing and the road to growth lies in love. Loving ourselves, giving ourselves the time and space to do so, not feeling guilty for it looking differently than we planned. If we can choose to love ourselves through the ebbs and flows of life, if we can choose to turn inward and be our own biggest advocate, or own biggest supporter, than we will find so much more beauty and love along the way.

All of this to say, I started writing today feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for my younger self that thought I would have it figured out by now. Sorry for my January 2023 self who started the program and thought that by now I would be an expert blogger, content creator, experienced health coach. And being able to get my truth down and share it with you has made me realize that I have nothing to be sorry for. I have found the balance that worked for me, even if it wasn’t the prettiest or most glamorous or what everyone else was doing. I continue to release myself from the chains of expectation that I have carried my entire life and instead choose love. I love how far I’ve come, I love the opportunities I have created for myself, I love the possibilities that lie in the future. I cannot wait for all that is to come, and I hope the same for you.

I hope you find love for yourself, in all the moments, but especially when you need it most. When you are laying in bed wondering why you aren’t where you thought you would be. When you are looking in the mirror wondering why your body looks different than you want it to. When you don’t know which direction to go and feel trapped in the unknown. What is meant for you, will find you. Please have faith in that, and in yourself. Only you know the answers for your life. Only you can determine the balance that is right for you and your journey. Only you can create the love in the gaps where you feel lost and uncertain.

I’m going to keep trying to find my ideal balance for this time in my life, and be okay with the knowledge that it will change as life goes on. I’m going to be rooting for you to do the same.

All my love,

H