That’s the thing about fear

Recently I started a new job. Before I committed to taking that leap I decided within myself that I was no longer going to limit myself from my potential and that I was ready to be challenged and grow and expand outside of what I had already experienced before.

When I took the role, I understood the responsibilities, but didn’t quite grasp the tasks in practice. In the past, I had worked with customers over the phone and email and felt confident in doing so. However, taking this role meant I would be interacting with customers face to face over Google Meet, which I hadn’t ever done before. I guess I didn’t really conceptualize what that would mean other than conversing in an a new way, which I was totally okay with.

However, I was unaware that a lot of these discussions would be accompanied by a slide deck. As soon as I realized this, all my insecurities and limiting beliefs started rising to the surface.

“Wait this isn’t comfortable for me” “This is public speaking and that is my biggest fear” “These companies are so smart and they are going to see right through me” “I have no idea what is going on how am I supposed to lead a conversation and follow a talk track with SLIDES?!”

So as we can tell, the slides really threw me through a loop. The reason is actually quite clear in my case, which is that a slide deck is associated with giving a speech, which is public speaking which, again, is my biggest fear.

To be totally open for a moment, that fear has always kinda been around, but it was really amplified in college when I chose a topic in speech class very near to my heart. On the day of my speech, after practicing for a billion hours and perfecting every word, I stood up in front of 35 of my peers and cried. I cried and felt faint and so embarrassed and lost complete awareness of my speech, as well as my name and literally everything else. I had to sit down because I was frozen, and had to give the speech another time.

For someone who already feared public speaking, that was really traumatizing for me. Ever since, I have completely avoided anything that looked, sounded, or remotely embodied anything to do with public speaking. And here I found myself in a career where over half of my role was to do just that.

Had I done some forms of public speaking since? Sure. Am I actively pursuing a health coaching certificate where I will probably be asked to public speak? Definitely. But for some reason this was different.

I realized, I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that when I show up, prepared and ready, that I will be able to deliver. That inner wounded Hannah is utterly terrified I will fail again and I will be forever marked with a scarlet S for scaredy cat. And that’s exactly how I feel.

I have recognized a lot of my limiting beliefs about myself through my healing journey. A LOT. However, public speaking and leading a conversation is by far the loudest. It’s something that has created such a low perception of myself that I truly shiver when thinking about doing it.

I was thinking about this, and I realized that it is not a coincidence that I am in this role. It is not a coincidence that consciously I didn’t know that it would entail public speaking. It is absolutely on purpose, I was divinely guided here on my path because I cannot continue this way. With the life I live and the dreams I have, I cannot continue to hold myself back from my potential because of this obstacle standing in the way. No one should have to honestly.

So the Universe shoved me right into the depths of my biggest fear, and to accompany that, a new podcast that I “happened” to come across called Out of Our Minds. In the first episode I selected, I was reminded of many spiritual truths that I often choose to forget in order to latch onto my fear harder.

Those truths are:

• Out path of deepest fulfillment is aligned with our deepest fears, it is the journey our soul desires and it understands what stands on the other side

• Fulfillment and the recognition of our gifts and purpose is found when consciously leaning into our challenges, fears, and discomforts. This is because these feelings can be used as a magnifying glass into our subconscious, which is where so much of who we are lives

• Running into fear instead of away from it holds very potent lessons and leads to a deeper understanding of oneself

That’s the thing about fear, it is freedom. When we run and run and run from our fears, we are creating so much resistance to our path. It’s not our job to plan our path, or understand our path, but instead it is our job to be on our path. To show up each and every day to continue being (as human beings). But instead, we choose to do, or force, or control, or try to escape. We end up missing so much of the beauty and the lessons throughout the journey because we are so tense and afraid of losing control. We are afraid we will come across something we don’t know how to do, or don’t like doing, and that the outcome will be embarrassing or painful or uncomfortable.

But what kind of life is that? Life is meant to be enjoyed, it’s meant to be explored, it’s meant to be shared. You are supposed to come across things that are scary or uncomfortable, just the same as you are supposed to come across love and beauty. There isn’t light without the dark. How would you know joy if you didn’t know pain? How would you know freedom if you didn’t know fear?

Something I learned long ago on my spiritual journey can be attributed to one of my therapists. She explained to me the idea of the love wolf and the fear wolf. You always have both within you, throughout your entire life you will move through every choice and every moment with both wolves inside. However, you have a choice on which one to listen to, which one to trust, and which one to feed.

Those joyous thoughts, those grateful thoughts, those abundant thoughts, they feed the love wolf. But those anxious thoughts, those resistant thoughts, those fearful thoughts, they feed the fear wolf. And as it turns out, the more you feed one, the smaller and weaker the other one gets. The larger wolf will always get your attention first. It will always appear louder in your mind.

I was feeding my fear wolf so often sometimes I couldn’t even hear the love wolf. She was starving and begging for my attention, but I didn’t even know it. I was so fixated and, honestly, addicted to the fear wolf. I had leaned on it a lot in childhood for survival. I had heard and seen a lot of my loved ones leaning into it as well.

But as soon as I heard her explain this, I knew it was a choice. It is always a choice. Will you see that thing that scares you as something you won’t face? As something that you will always run away from? Are you willing to run away from loving moments or relationships or opportunities to avoid the fear?

What are you telling yourself every day? What thoughts do you have, and which wolf are they feeding? Which wolf is louder, and what is it telling you about yourself?

It’s time to take a look within and really ask yourself what life you want to live. Do you want to avoid discomfort at all costs, no matter what you give up in the process? Or do you want to experience your light and love in the world? With yourself? Do you want to see your greatest potential unfolding in front of you because you decided to feed the love wolf instead?

Here’s the thing about this stuff. It’s a never-ending journey. It is work that we continue to do every single day. It is bearing witness to the thoughts happening within, and CHOOSING to change them. It is hearing the limiting belief, honoring the feeling it brings with it, and then choosing a better one instead. It is loving the inner you that is frightened and reminding them of all that they are. That they are so much more than that fear. It is leaning into love every single chance you get.

For me, it’s honoring that inner Hannah that went through a very scary time and closed up instead of learning from it. It is hearing the fearful thoughts every time I think of speaking publicly and instead of believing that I can’t, or that I shouldn’t, or that nothing good will come from it, instead believing that I am capable of everything, that my fear is leading to my expansion, that I will no longer let myself feel less than I am because of the past. Fear is from the past, and while we love it for trying to protect us, we also need to realize when it is hindering us.

Thank the part of you that wants to keep you safe. Recognize that we wouldn’t be able to survive without it. And then really ask yourself if you need to be protected from this, or what part of yourself feels the need to be protected. Then, an even bigger question, which wolf will you choose to feed today?

I’m rooting for you always,

H