Why did I Decide to Become a Health Coach?

As an Integrative Health Coach and Somatic Healer (in training), I wanted to share what called me to do this work and pursue this path.

To give you some background, I have always struggled with mild anxiety, overthinking the “what-ifs” of the world and experiencing a lot of physical symptoms from the worry and fears. I was even afraid of Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy for goodness sakes. When I was in middle school, this manifested as a deep debilitating fear of being kidnapped, tortured, or killed and was deathly afraid that someone would be hiding in my room when I came home and do so when I least expected it. I would stay up all hours of the night profusely checking my room and my house in every nook and cranny to make sure no one was there and that I was safe. This is when I started therapy.

I struggled with this for two years, getting anywhere between 1-4 hours of sleep every night and just ghosting through life the best way I could, pretending like everything was okay. I don’t have memories from this time, or really memories at all from my childhood. Then one day, it just stopped. I will never forget it, I got into bed that night and didn’t think about checking for intruders, I just went to sleep. And the anxiety (mostly) went away. I was still anxious about my divorced parent’s relationship, my cheating ex boyfriend, or what my friends really thought about me. The normal anxieties of that age. But I was able to enjoy my life and finally be an active participant.

Before I left for college, I was a good student, but pretty average. I got all A’s but didn’t get super into the work or studying, just did enough to get the grades my parents expected. Stepping into freshman year, something changed in me. I was still going out with friends and doing normal college activities, but I became aware of schoolwork that I actually enjoyed. Starting sophomore year, I basically began living at the library, in part because I was interested in the material but even bigger than that was to be the best and most knowledgeable in every class. I wanted to get into a Masters program and knew I needed a great GPA so I was kicking my own ass every day striving for a 4.0 while also working and existing as a lil college bean trying to figure out what this world of adulting even was.

Heading into junior year, I took on an internship. At this time, I was working between 15-25 hours at my serving job, around the same at my internship, and doing full time school. When I was serving I was thinking about my internship, when I was interning I was thinking about the homework I had to do when I got home, when I was doing my homework I was dreading going back to the restaurant the following day. It felt like I was in the clouds, completely on autopilot. I couldn’t commit to a relationship, completely guarded and unaware of my frustrated attitude at life. I thought I had it all handled, and was totally chill going 59372057 miles per hour at any given time. I was crushing it!

Then March 2020 hit, and everything came to a nice little halt. Two weeks prior, I had my very first panic attack giving a menu presentation at a table and really convinced myself I was dying. It truly felt that way. I proceeded to have another on my drive to class the following morning, and one almost every day following. Nothing really compared to what happened when quarantine became our new reality.

Right out of a breakup & living alone, I was suddenly surrounded by quiet. I went from a color coded agenda, being busy from 8am to 8pm, to now having a fully open schedule. While I realize how lucky I was for maintaining my health and also having this time off, it was one of the most challenging times of my life. I was suddenly given no other choice but to sit with these feelings that I had apparently been running away from for awhile.

It’s interesting when you realize that our bodies are constantly communicating with us, and when we are too busy to listen, they get louder. It continues increasing its volume until you can no longer miss it, which can often manifest as physical symptoms in the body. I was running away from fear of failure, of not being enough, of productivity determining my worth, of not being worthy of a life I was happy with, and so much more. I was doing it for so long and not listening to the whispers from my body and soul begging me to slow down that panic attacks were the last ditch effort for me to finally do so. COVID-19 happening at that exact same time ended up being Divine timing.

So began a beautiful journey of peaks and valleys, starting with disassociation, chronic stress, fatigue, brain fog, and feeling completely out of body, and through the healing journey, became trust, surrender, and love. Love for myself, but more importantly, love for the Universe and all its unfoldings.

I had been convinced that in order to live a good life I had to expertly plan and execute, know all the information, and be the best at what I was doing. I dreamed of being in the C-Suite of a hospital where I could be a boss, have my name known, and make a ton of money (all the wrong reasons). But what happened during my spiritual awakening in those long (but very short) months during the lockdown was an entire shift in perspective. I was now granted the time to really ask myself who I was, what I wanted, and what I was doing it all for. I realized I had no idea what made me, me. I had no idea why I was pursuing the degree I was or why I wanted a second degree or where I wanted to live or even what I liked to eat. It was all automatic processing that had gotten me through the last years of my life and there had been no mental space for me to uncover any of these things. I was ashamed, but more than anything, I was inspired.

What came from this time was a profound sense of gratitude. I no longer woke up frustrated at all that I needed to do that day, but instead woke up and was purely thankful to be alive. In the early weeks of my panic attacks, I was afraid I wouldn’t survive it. So every day seeing the sunshine and the clouds was the proof that I could make it through even the darkest of times. Despite the anxiety, panic attacks, and depression that came with this era of my life, it also eventually accompanied gratitude, love, and clarity. I realized I needed to create a space of my own to heal and to grow and to learn, and California was where I decided that would be (more on this in another post).

Since that first panic attack, I have realized the power in struggle. Understood that there is no darkness without the light, no good without the bad, no heads without the tails. How would you know that you loved something if you hadn’t experienced something else that you didn’t like? How could you bask in the beauty of love without also experiencing heartbreak and sadness? You couldn’t. And while this was very challenging to embody, taking almost 4 years to do so, I finally see that my mess is my message. I was drawn to IIN to become a health coach because I want to help people who struggle with similar things. I want to be the resource I wish I had during those times. I want to walk alongside others on their journey out of the darkness, holding their hand and ensuring that they do not feel alone. Studying coaching and somatic healing has helped me feel confident and clear that I can, and I cannot wait to do so.

So if you are struggling too, whether it is with a dysregulated nervous system, chronic stress, anxiety, panic attacks, disassociation from your body, somatic (body) issues, lack of clarity on who you are and what you want, or lack of love for yourself, I am here to support you. I know coaching is not financially feasible for everyone, so I am working on some free tools and resources for you as well as payment plans and group coaching options so that you can feel supported wherever you are.

I hope if you have made it this far in the post, that you see how possible it is to make it out of any darkness. While you did not walk that journey with me, you have held space for this post and I hope have gained something from it. Know how much love there is out there in the world, and that the Universe is unfolding exactly as it should. My most challenging times have become the most beautiful because I was able to learn just how worthy I am and how beautiful this life is. I also get to turn around and help others do the same, which is a blessing I cannot feel more grateful for.

Please reach out to me if you resonate with any of this, I would love to hear your story. I appreciate you reading some of mine.

All my love,

Hannah